Friday, March 15, 2013

no fear here.

Last week I went in for a haircut. And not just my normal tiny trim but like a real haircut. To some people that's no big deal but if you understood my crazy hair mindset you'd see it was a big deal. Tenth grade was my last real haircut and I cried for days. I felt so ugly I avoided mirrors for weeks and promised myself I would never cut my hair like that again. Through college I began to picture myself in the future, welcoming in my grandchildren with long flowing gray hair that hung past my waist (they would probably all braid it for me as we enjoyed a picnic in a field of butterflies.. :). I've always enjoyed consistency, so my master hair plan was perfect. Why change something that kept me feeling so comfortable?

In February Stan was asked to go to Hawaii to teach a week long class at the YWAM (Youth With A Mission) base in Kona. It was a wonderful reason to go and it couldn't have come at a better time. I realize now that Hawaii is one of those over played places to go because it's BEAUTIFUL and everyone should go! The beaches and tropical weather were soothing but really made the trip was all the people we were able to met. I've never spent time in such a warm and loving community. Being able to unwind in the prayer room and spending the week surrounded by so much love changed us. It wasn't instant, but I can still see and feel how much of a difference it made. The trip woke us up from our comfortable winter slumber and challenged us to change.

When we got back I began to see our lives differently. It was as if a veil had been pulled away from my eyes and everything seemed so clear. I saw how much fear and condemnation I was living in. I even realized how it got in. Over two years ago I was dealing with a few health issues and began to fear death and sickness. When I moved to California it stuck around and I was afraid to go out by myself, afraid of what people would think of me, afraid of messing up, afraid of making people angry, afraid of not hearing for God or making Him angry. It was everywhere. It had changed the way I was living. The way I saw life, the way I made decisions. And I realized I didn't have to keep living that way.

Getting a haircut had been on my to-do list for awhile. It had been over a year (whoops!) since my last cut and with my thyroid slacking off a little my ends were not looking so hot. I was just about to make an appointment when I began thinking about how much value I put on my hair. I loved long hair. I envied people with long hair, even though I had it. My long hair was apart of who I was. It made me feel beautiful, it gave me confidence. My reality had been that if I ever lost it or had a terrible hair cut I would totally loose any beauty I had.

I've never totally understood what people meant when they would say "I need to do this for myself" but in that moment it made perfect sense. I needed to do this. For myself. To prove to myself, to the Lord, to the devil, that I wasn't afraid. And I wasn't going to be afraid anymore.

I gave Stanley my big speech on no more fear, not being so stuck on physical beauty and having a more heavenly mindset. When I finished my passionate rant he said he had felt afraid of cutting his hair too and was excited to jump into our new no-fear-here lifestyle. So last week we chopped off all our hair. The day it happened I felt so peaceful. The last few months have had their ups and downs but that day I felt like I had been restored back to myself.

I'm excited to be entering into this new season of no fear. Fearful thoughts still come, but they are not allowed to stay. I'm girl filled with freedom and I'm excited to start living each day that way.

I sought the Lord and He heard me
and He delivered me from all my fears.
- Psalm 34:4


  1. Love this post. You are beautiful and fearless. I will miss your long curls but I think this short hair is a good change and a great start to a new year. You can do anything Mrs. Emily : )

  2. I think short hair is beautiful on you! And I love it even more after reading your story :) Go Em!

  3. EMILY!! Oh my goodness. I think you stole this right out my journal. In 10th grade I did locks of love and cried every time I looked at a mirror for weeks. I looked like Bon Jovi for real. I have been terrified of hair CUTS ever since. A few months after getting married and moving (not quite as far away, but it sure isn't home) and like you, I kind of just feared a different life, I did a big hair chop. Chopping away the one thing that has ever made me feel pretty and letting myself realign with where true beauty comes from. Ive always felt silly for making hair such a big deal but you hit this nail right on the head!!! You just have THE MOST beautiful heart :]

    1. Dannnggg that's nuts!! Its great knowing that you went through the same thinking, (even the 10th grade horror cut :P) it makes me feel much less crazy! I've only had a couple near tear moments since the big chop but it was a great decision, my understanding of what and where beauty comes from is really changing and I love itttt :D Thanks for all your encouragement Kelly!!

  4. OMGoodness I LOVE it!! and most importantly I love you!! You are amazing and such a blessing and encouragement! :DD You are beautiful inside and out! I'm so proud of you! You GO mighty woman of God! :DDD I can not express how excited i am to see you in 43 more days!!! :DDD I'm reading in 1,2, and 3 John and he's been ending his letters with "I have so much more to (type) but i don't want to do it with "pen and ink". So I'll see you soon!! love love love <3<3<3