Life can feel so heavy sometimes. Lately I feel like I've been caught in this whirlwind of distractions.. Only looking at my own lists and agendas that I've stopped talking to the Lord. But then I'm so ready to complain about how I feel like He's not giving me the attention or love that He's promised. So I feel ignored and let myself feel hurt even though I know I've been ignoring Him. 

In the midst of all these feelings the Lord put on my heart to start a "sixty day challenge." He didn't give me a formula for the challenge. There's no reading plan or specific prayer time. I've tried to set up things like that before in the past and I always wind up feeling like a failure when I can't stick to it. So for the next sixty days I just want to be more aware of God's presence. Whether I ask Him where I left my car keys or just rant about work, I just want to be including Him in my day.

Tomorrow will be our first day (Stan's excited to take on the challenge with me). I'm interested in seeing where it goes and how we'll feel at the end of sixty days.. like I said I've never really stuck with any spiritual routine that long :P I hope to learn more about the Father's heart in these next two months.. to feel more fulfilled and loved than I ever have before.

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When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed.
- Jeremiah 29:13 MSG

Then you will seek Me, inquire for, and require Me [as a vital necessity] and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. 

- Jeremiah 29:13 AMP

Come close to God and He will come close to you.
- James 4:8

desires and failures

It's easy to feel caught up in the troubles and to-dos of the day. I'm constantly only seeing my life as the week I'm living out. However this morning I took a moment for some self reflection while wondering if I should get out of bed and cease my facebook stalking. Browsing through a few high school buddies pages got me thinking about the expectations I had for myself when I was fifteen. What did I really want to do with my life? What were my goals and my desires? Hmmmm... definitely to have my very own boyfriend, that my breasts would magically get bigger and the never ending hope that I would wake up one morning with no acne! But beyond the typical teenage girl ambitions I don't remember ever having a clear idea of what I wanted to be or what I needed to accomplish. I remember small moments of satisfaction.. feeling fulfilled when I was creating.. looking forward to serving.. enjoying spending one on one time with children.. When it came to deciding what I "wanted to do with the rest of my life" I simply built off those things. I never would have dreamed that I'd end up where I am now. God has such a sneaky way of transitioning us into unexpected places!

The last few years have been.. crazy! Hmm I say crazy because I think it captures the idea of high highs and low lows. I have never been happier and I have never been more frustrated. I've been learning about myself, who I am as me, who I am as a wife, who I will be as a mother. I've been learning about my health/body, that my body hates gluten, that I need to work out, that I need more sleep.. O_O And maybe most importantly I've been learning how to deal with failure and forgive myself. It's so easy to see my short comings over and over again and feel completely defeated. But I'm beginning to understand failure and struggle push me to learn and make different decisions. I don't need to be afraid of messing up. I don't need to be angry at myself. I need to give myself the same patience I would give a friend. I am not perfect but I am always learning. And I am realizing that's enough.