Tuesday, October 15, 2013

desires and failures

Days by The Drums on Grooveshark

It's easy to feel caught up in the troubles and to-dos of the day. I'm constantly only seeing my life as the week I'm living out. However this morning I took a moment for some self reflection while wondering if I should get out of bed and cease my facebook stalking. Browsing through a few high school buddies pages got me thinking about the expectations I had for myself when I was fifteen. What did I really want to do with my life? What were my goals and my desires? Hmmmm... definitely to have my very own boyfriend, that my breasts would magically get bigger and the never ending hope that I would wake up one morning with no acne! But beyond the typical teenage girl ambitions I don't remember ever having a clear idea of what I wanted to be or what I needed to accomplish. I remember small moments of satisfaction.. feeling fulfilled when I was creating.. looking forward to serving.. enjoying spending one on one time with children.. When it came to deciding what I "wanted to do with the rest of my life" I simply built off those things. I never would have dreamed that I'd end up where I am now. God has such a sneaky way of transitioning us into unexpected places!

The last few years have been.. crazy! Hmm I say crazy because I think it captures the idea of high highs and low lows. I have never been happier and I have never been more frustrated. I've been learning about myself, who I am as me, who I am as a wife, who I will be as a mother. I've been learning about my health/body, that my body hates gluten, that I need to work out, that I need more sleep.. O_O And maybe most importantly I've been learning how to deal with failure and forgive myself. It's so easy to see my short comings over and over again and feel completely defeated. But I'm beginning to understand failure and struggle push me to learn and make different decisions. I don't need to be afraid of messing up. I don't need to be angry at myself. I need to give myself the same patience I would give a friend. I am not perfect but I am always learning. And I am realizing that's enough.

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